Don’t use my word against me, or else.

I finally had enough. For some reason, I have successfully shut my mom up earlier. Few months ago, she asked me to take responsibility for my youngest siblings and I only said yes because naawa ako, told me to sacrifice (e.g. not find a job muna, not to take board exam etc.) dahil magtetake daw siya ng board exam ng nurse. I thought I was doing well in my opinion, being a guardian/substitute-mom to my youngest siblings was honestly hard but I pushed through it.

But all of a sudden napagod lang ako and she calls me out for it for “not doing my responsibility right”. And suddenly asks me to review and find a job whilst taking all that responsibility. (Yes, I am that same person who keeps ranting shit here before).

She expects to do all shit at once, and I know her nature to nitpick and call out every fucking small mistake I did which in her case, she calls it advising but I don’t think calling me derogatory names just because of a fucking human mistake is called ‘advising’. I know well enough the difference.

Advise should sound like this: “Anak, I noticed you didn’t do things right. Next time, do it like this ha?”

Her “advise”: “Ang bobo mo! Di mo magawa-gawa ng mabuti trabaho mo? 25 ka na?! Kahit simpleng (insert chore here) di mo magawa ng maayos?? Anung klaseng—” and I was just fucking resting. I didn’t know chores are done in a timely manner like ikamamatay ko pala. ❤

And the worse part, calls me for being pabigat and not financially successful and nakakahiya na daw ako. Even my other siblings are calling me out also for the same reason, “pabigat”. Tao lang ako. Napupuno. Napapagod. She used my words against me in a manipulative way. Telling me bakit daw ako pumayag to take responsibility sa mga kapatid ko, so I have to do my shit right now. (We had an argument dahil tangina sinung hindi mapapasagot sa ganitong klaseng tao?)

Again, napagod lang ako. I have been rejected in my interviews. Sending out resumes, preparing shit, heck even trying to apply for review whilst tutoring and catering to my youngest siblings like cooking food for them and what not. Also, my miming. I’m a first time cat mom, and I am also adjusting to my baby. I can’t take onsite work “kasi mapapabayaan ko sila”. Not all the time, I have to monitor and pamper my youngest siblings. Yes, she even asked me to monitor their academics and asked me to do their homework kung maaari. She’s asking me too much of my capability. (I might also insert na ako rin pala gumagawa ng resume, cover letter, and inaapply sila ni papa because they’re not techy enough to navigate social media).

You can’t force me to adjust like a fucking robot. And now, natapos board exam niya at bumagsak siya. I have a hard time consoling her. And she finally understood why I couldn’t pass the board exam easily, “ang hirap pala.” according to her. She finally understood bakit bagsak ako, accusing me of not reviewing right and that yung mga nakita niya sa akin ay isang malaking “panggap”. Yes, she even calls me out before bakit ang bobo ko, di ko daw mapasa board exam ko when my friends (who are not eldest, btw) can do it and pass so why can’t I and saan daw nagkulang mama ko? Honestly, this board exam experience for her really humbled her because she’s talking kindly to me now. Lol.

She even pointed out, nung nagreview daw siya she found a group of friends whom she had fun experiencing reviewing (all this happening whilst I was the one handling her youngest kids). Spent so much on hotels and multiple reviews only for their score to be still the same like the last time. She got 61, and I’ve seen her reviewed very well. Ngl, I was hoping she would pass. And then she remembered me, who she called out as to why rejected her offer na magdorm kasi ayaw ko “lang” magpabigat sa expenses yet my score was 74 (passing is 75%, sue me). Lol. Thank you, God. Idk why.

And now, guess what? She asked me again for another responsibility to take and I said no. She said, “few months lang ito,” I said no. She took advantage of my kindness in taking my younger siblings and used my words against me when things got sour, and now I finally used her words against her. (We have said so many things, it feels good being a savage).

PS, we had a major fight last week dahil lang sa ‘irresponsable’ ako, at ‘wala daw akong naitulong ni isa’ sa pamilyang ito. At ‘di daw ako maasahan’ dahil ang bobo ko. Tangina, if I am all of those above… why the fuck is she asking to take another responsibility again? I thought I’m not trusted enough? Anu ka ngayon, ma? ❤

I told her, I’m going with my plans. I am not going to take any requests from her. This will be the last time I’m going to be manipulated, be used, and God forgive me but it felt so good to finally talk back to her and she couldn’t reply back because she knows I’m right because guess what…? I used her words against her. ❤ She knew the trouble and pain I went through.

So, don’t fucking test me. I’ve had enough.

Ayun lang, just want to get this off my chest and move on. Thank you for reading this. Hate me, support me, we have our own opinions.

Nagmamahal,

The “walang kwentang” ate. Bow. ❤

Passion?

(c) Google

Based on my observation, what you worked on as a hobby from child until growing up becomes your full-time career. And if anything, I envy those who were able to luckily pursue what keeps them happy. I’ve seen bookworms or fanfiction writers turned into full-time journalists and writers. People who loved drawing as a hobby now entering full-time art-related careers, e.g. animators, arhictects, illustrators, etc. And those nerds when it comes to Science and Mathematics now full-pledged engineers or scientists making differences in this world. But as for me… apparently, I’m still nowhere as to be unfortunately.

We’ll get there, someday.

(c) Google

It’s 29th of July as I type this post when I’m supposed to be handling my documents that should be completed by August 9. I just want to take a pause and look around me.

Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…

I often questioned, why is the path of my life like this? I would say it’s very unbearable in my part. And that, what do I need to do in order to have some sort of change? My progress has been by far kinda slow, in my opinion. There are dreams I want to achieve at such a certain time and age… but I guess, He — thy Great One above — has other plans. It kinda hurts me to know that I’m not in the same path as everybody.

I couldn’t help but look at those I deemed “ahead” of me, and it kills me on the inside.

“Why can’t I be just like them?”

Am I rushing myself? Am I wrong? Is there something wrong with me? These are the questions I often asked myself. It’s not even helping that the dreams I want was given to others. The licensure, the career paths I want to aim, and everything else.

Maybe what I want isn’t really for me? What am I trying to get from this? Whenever I think about my age, I couldn’t help but think of how I’m almost to what I considered as a “limit”. I’m in the middle of my 20s.

I’m working different paths and jobs, I am going nowhere else and tiktok motivational posts like “You are doing your best. Keep it up” isn’t even helping. Why am I different, I asked myself again.

Why am I like this?

How can I learn to let go of something…?

The Importance of Not Telling Your Parents What You Do In Life As An ADULT

As someone who comes from an asian culture family, we are all used to the fact that our parents especially mother (in my case) decides what we do in life. But the problem is, we are a person of our own hence we’re not always going to be robots on the long run. God gave us our own mind to think things and heart to help us function. For short, there will be times where it’s inevitable that we get to decide for ourselves no matter what. Because parents only know the surface of what we go through, but never beyond. They judge what they only see, unless your parents are someone who are good at understanding you.

Take note that the only reason parents decides for us was because “they only want what’s good for us”, but the thing is… not all the time they know what’s good or bad. Sometimes, the decision depends on us on what we need to do in our own life and not them. Most of the times, if we’re not able to do what they want us to do they ended up labelling us as “failures” in their own dictionary. Neglecting the fact, we all have our own passions and drives that differ from them. And that, we could’ve functioned or blossom well at the path we want to choose instead of theirs.

Other than our parents only wanting what’s good for us, safety is also their main priority. Unfortunately, parents should know they’re not superhero kind of beings who are always there to save their children from time to time. They should at least teach the basic ways to survive or make it their priority to teach their kids how to be independent. Hence, it made me realize that all this time my parents were focusing on the wrong things insted of the valuable things. They were too busy preparing the road for us, instead of preparing US –their children– instead.

I remember, my mom would just dictate what I needed to do and if I failed, she would inevitably call me out as to why I can’t do it. Most of the times, I’ll be surprised that I’m already enrolled in a class I didn’t ask for that made me have no choice but to prioritize it and cancel my supposed plans on the same day with a heavy heart.

Guess what? Every classes she had me enrolled, NMAT review center, chorale singing lessons, flight attendant training centers… I failed all of them nor didn’t pursue them at the end. Because it was NOT my decision, it was hers. Though, I’m thankful because of the new knowledge I acquired from it the only difference was that we could’ve saved money for something better.

So to you who’s reading this right now, here’s a piece of advice to save you from wasting time and potential heartbreaks:

Keep it lowkey. NEVER tell your parents what you do in life, obviously. So long as you know what you ventured into is NOT an illegal thing.

If you needed money for something you want to do, either you can find ways to ask your parents through little white lies (which I highly not advise) OR BETTER, earn money on your own accord. YES, I’m advising y’all to practice independency from scratch ’cause in all honesty, no one will teach you that well besides experience and from your ownself alone.

Don’t be afraid to take risk. Trying to do something or deciding for yourself may seem like the most terrifying yet exciting experience you’ll ever have. We’re afraid to go against our parents BUT PLEASE KNOW, YOU KNOW YOURSELF BETTER THAN ANYONE. PERIOD. And that, if you wanted to do what you want– GIVE IT TO YOURSELF TO JUST DO IT.

Never be afraid to commit mistakes. Life is not about perfection. IT’S NEVER THAT. It’s all about trial and error. It’s all about finding out what works for you or not. It’s a process. And process IS NEVER NEEDED TO BE PERFECT because how can we learn from it. Life means there’s ups and downs, failures and wins, breaking and bending. So whatever we do in life, whether we regret it or not, is part of experience. We never lose anything from every journey, either we gained something or learn from it.

It’s okay to take advices from people, BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE THEY CAN ALSO HELP YOU OUT IN EXCHANGE. I have let a lot of people, especially my parents, decide shit in my life that cost me the consequences that they’re not going to face but I do. So it’s kind of an unfair exchange knowing I’ll be suffering on something I didn’t ask for. So be careful on what advices to take. The ending would still be your decision to play. YOU know what’s best for you, and it’s NEVER wrong to take a risk. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT RISK, ANYWAY.

Whatever you’ve ventured into, TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. Do not hesitate to try change, or be brave, or at least faking things until you make it. Take note that most successful people are those who are not afraid to take risks, say for example we have a lot of successful YouTubers now who prolly went through a lot of things before getting into where they are now. SO THERE’S YOU GO SIGN. GO FOR IT.

Life is not all about shying away from everything beyond our comfort zones. If you’re still stuck in your comfort zone then good news for you, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT FURTHER THAN YOU THINK. Life is not easy, hence we got problems. And problems in life are not meant to destroy us BUT SHAPE US (if you try looking at this in the positive light). Whatever we’re going through, man up. No one’s going to sugarcoat you like a little child achieving things or spoonfed you into how things are done. YOU’RE NOT A CHILD ANYMORE, I’m sorry but you needed to hear this.

Lastly, practice changing your mindset & training it to become a strong one. We have a saying that we cannot control our surroundings but how we respond to it, and the core of all things is from our mind. No matter how mentally damaged we have earned from life and no matter how there are times we gave up on things, please always try to have a little grit in you. It’s better to be yearning for justice on yourself rather than being s**cidal. The process maybe slow, but at least you’re looking forward to trying on becoming a better person. Your first step, no matter how small matters, and I hope we keep doing more. Do not let others affect you by their words, perception, actions, etc. THEY’RE NOT A BIG MATTER TO YOUR LIFE. If some people have let you down, it only means you’re above them. Or simply, JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF. You shouldn’t let people, who are not going to take responsibility of your life or not going to experience what you go through, to decide or affect you. PERIOD.

YOUR DECISION MATTERS. YOUR OPINIONS ARE VALID. WHAT YOU DO IS WORTH IT.

God didn’t made us to be a subservient to someone but only to Him, serve Him and no one else. He doesn’t judge you on what occupations you have. All that matters is how you serve your purpose on this world for as long as you live. And importantly, I hope we may be happy on the path we chose. Allahumma Aameen. ❤

-love, d.

adulting: what no one prepared me for.

this is just something I’ve been realizing all along… and how I questioned why no one guided me or that, why didn’t anyone stop me for my reckless decision?

it’s no secret that I have an emotional baggage and unhealed trauma from my childhood.

comparing my life to others, it seems no one voiced out the feeling of being controlled? or how someone was raised without giving the right to decide or train itself to think? I was one of those people who got used to having someone decide for– in my case, my mom– and now that my life calls out for my own decisions alone… I am overwhelmed.

and even if I wanted to decide on my own, I get that fear that what if I bailed on my mom? it’s that feeling.

I took a one year gap. and there’s no else to blame but me. I have a mental health that’s in need for treatment hence… I can’t decide what’s right in things. I can’t balance shit, and I still… am traumatized from fresh wounds I got back in 2019. so… I am a lost case.

I regretted… quitting my job that I was proud to apply for because even if my parents were against it, they couldn’t deny it helped out family finances. I was the happiest doing my job, along with faith bagging around.

but since, board exam resumed I guess the most plausible thing to do is just… “balance” it out, yes? well the thing is… I thought I can’t. so I… did the most regretful thing I did. and now, I’m left with nothing.

after quitting my job, I was left with nothing and… forgive me, relied on God to lead me through. I really don’t mind being in the corporate ladder because at least… I was doing something. but now… I regretted what I wasted my time for.

what the heck was I doing, you might ask. well, I was reviewing for the board exam because my trauma got the best of me. apprently… I was too dumb to pass and failed two times in the process.

I wasn’t like any other, I was slow to learn our lessons. it was supposed to be “reviewing” but I guess, I need another year to learn it hard. it made me question… why the heck did I took this path? it seemed so easy on others and hard on me.

if this was me back then, the time I was confident enough to do things and believed in myself when no one else has, I know I can achieve things one way or another.

but that was all gone now… I was too humbled on my ground.

and now I’m crying as I type this. because it still pains me… I kept asking myself… “why am I like this?” I did everything I could, I pleased The One above, I tried to be good, I did my part…. but still why… why am I having a hard time? what am I missing out? why is my brain having hard time to regurgitate info? it’s… honestly kinda hard to learn these days for me.

my brain is now something tough to deal with. my memory is too low, and it’s always foggy. and it’s crushing my already low self-esteem. all the more reason… to realize how dumb I was.

the way I’d describe how I process information in my head is like there’s some sort of blockage in the path of my clear mind. I don’t know if it’s because of my undiagnosed mental health or brain condition but… I need to at least… make myself believe I can do things again.

my midn often drifts… it was not trained hard… it was mostly battered with painful past. and it’s even harder to live everyday. especially the pressure. I’m now even morefrustrated as it is.

everytime, I see someone doing better (as what I perceived) ahead of me… I questioned myself a lot… why am I so slow in progress…?

why…? there’s a lot of factors I could conclude that’s the reason for why my path is like this but… I guess, it’s just my overthinking that’s overwhelming at this moment that is speaking.

ya Allah ya rahmaan ya raheem… please… I may not understand Your plans for me… but I still trust You. everything’s a hard to swallow pill for now… but I won’t lose hope in You… I honestly don’t think my heart could take it any longer.

-love, d.