I finally had enough. For some reason, I have successfully shut my mom up earlier. Few months ago, she asked me to take responsibility for my youngest siblings and I only said yes because naawa ako, told me to sacrifice (e.g. not find a job muna, not to take board exam etc.) dahil magtetake daw siya ng board exam ng nurse. I thought I was doing well in my opinion, being a guardian/substitute-mom to my youngest siblings was honestly hard but I pushed through it.
But all of a sudden napagod lang ako and she calls me out for it for “not doing my responsibility right”. And suddenly asks me to review and find a job whilst taking all that responsibility. (Yes, I am that same person who keeps ranting shit here before).
She expects to do all shit at once, and I know her nature to nitpick and call out every fucking small mistake I did which in her case, she calls it advising but I don’t think calling me derogatory names just because of a fucking human mistake is called ‘advising’. I know well enough the difference.
Advise should sound like this: “Anak, I noticed you didn’t do things right. Next time, do it like this ha?”
Her “advise”: “Ang bobo mo! Di mo magawa-gawa ng mabuti trabaho mo? 25 ka na?! Kahit simpleng (insert chore here) di mo magawa ng maayos?? Anung klaseng—” and I was just fucking resting. I didn’t know chores are done in a timely manner like ikamamatay ko pala.
And the worse part, calls me for being pabigat and not financially successful and nakakahiya na daw ako. Even my other siblings are calling me out also for the same reason, “pabigat”. Tao lang ako. Napupuno. Napapagod. She used my words against me in a manipulative way. Telling me bakit daw ako pumayag to take responsibility sa mga kapatid ko, so I have to do my shit right now. (We had an argument dahil tangina sinung hindi mapapasagot sa ganitong klaseng tao?)
Again, napagod lang ako. I have been rejected in my interviews. Sending out resumes, preparing shit, heck even trying to apply for review whilst tutoring and catering to my youngest siblings like cooking food for them and what not. Also, my miming. I’m a first time cat mom, and I am also adjusting to my baby. I can’t take onsite work “kasi mapapabayaan ko sila”. Not all the time, I have to monitor and pamper my youngest siblings. Yes, she even asked me to monitor their academics and asked me to do their homework kung maaari. She’s asking me too much of my capability. (I might also insert na ako rin pala gumagawa ng resume, cover letter, and inaapply sila ni papa because they’re not techy enough to navigate social media).
You can’t force me to adjust like a fucking robot. And now, natapos board exam niya at bumagsak siya. I have a hard time consoling her. And she finally understood why I couldn’t pass the board exam easily, “ang hirap pala.” according to her. She finally understood bakit bagsak ako, accusing me of not reviewing right and that yung mga nakita niya sa akin ay isang malaking “panggap”. Yes, she even calls me out before bakit ang bobo ko, di ko daw mapasa board exam ko when my friends (who are not eldest, btw) can do it and pass so why can’t I and saan daw nagkulang mama ko? Honestly, this board exam experience for her really humbled her because she’s talking kindly to me now. Lol.
She even pointed out, nung nagreview daw siya she found a group of friends whom she had fun experiencing reviewing (all this happening whilst I was the one handling her youngest kids). Spent so much on hotels and multiple reviews only for their score to be still the same like the last time. She got 61, and I’ve seen her reviewed very well. Ngl, I was hoping she would pass. And then she remembered me, who she called out as to why rejected her offer na magdorm kasi ayaw ko “lang” magpabigat sa expenses yet my score was 74 (passing is 75%, sue me). Lol. Thank you, God. Idk why.
And now, guess what? She asked me again for another responsibility to take and I said no. She said, “few months lang ito,” I said no. She took advantage of my kindness in taking my younger siblings and used my words against me when things got sour, and now I finally used her words against her. (We have said so many things, it feels good being a savage).
PS, we had a major fight last week dahil lang sa ‘irresponsable’ ako, at ‘wala daw akong naitulong ni isa’ sa pamilyang ito. At ‘di daw ako maasahan’ dahil ang bobo ko. Tangina, if I am all of those above… why the fuck is she asking to take another responsibility again? I thought I’m not trusted enough? Anu ka ngayon, ma?
I told her, I’m going with my plans. I am not going to take any requests from her. This will be the last time I’m going to be manipulated, be used, and God forgive me but it felt so good to finally talk back to her and she couldn’t reply back because she knows I’m right because guess what…? I used her words against her. She knew the trouble and pain I went through.
So, don’t fucking test me. I’ve had enough.
Ayun lang, just want to get this off my chest and move on. Thank you for reading this. Hate me, support me, we have our own opinions.
The “walang kwentang” ate. Bow.